30 Days, 30 Posts: Adoption...Domestic vs International Adoption

We are continuing to "Learn the Lingo" this week.

Domestic Adoption: Placing of a child within the same country as the child’s birth. This may be achieved through a private agency or the state, such as foster care.

International/Intercountry adoption: a type of adoption in which an individual or couple becomes the legal and permanent parents of a child that is a national of a different country. In general, prospective adoptive parents must meet the legal adoption requirements of their country of residence and those of the country whose nationality the child holds.

Adoption, if anything, presents lots of questions.  Should we adopt an infant from our country?  Do we consider foster care?  Do we adopt internationally and, if so, which country do we choose?  The answers are different for every family and their particular circumstances.    

There is no check-list or worksheet that makes the answers obvious.  It takes time working through each scenario. It takes time seriously discussing the details of the scenarios. Though by taking the time, many of the answers you’re searching for should become clearer. Consequently, you’re then able to rule out some and include others.

and really talking about the details that will hopefully make some of the answers more clear and rule out other choices.  

Because we were facing a potential overseas move with my husband’s job (which turned into a reality in July 2011), we had some very unique circumstances of our own. We had to find a program that would work for our family, even if we moved abroad.

I made a few calls about adopting an infant domestically.  One agency was very kind, but blunt, and said that because we already had two biological children, most birthparents would not consider our family.  Why? It’s because most of the birthparents want to give the gift of family to those who do not already have children.  

We also talked to our social worker (the person who performs our homestudy...more next week on that) about foster care.  For us, two factors ruled out this option for us.  My husband and I had decided to try and maintain birth order with our children, meaning that we would adopt a child younger than our two daughters.  At the time we started our paperwork, our youngest was about 15 months, which meant the foster child would have to be under 15 months -- not a very big window.  We also did not want to disrupt a child’s life further if we were suddenly called overseas and had not finalized the adoption. (I believe that it is possible to adopt from foster care while living overseas, but we not comfortable with moving during the process). 

We have friends who have done all of the above: infant adoption, foster care, international adoption. The beautiful thing to me is that their choice was so perfect for their family.  

As far as my family goes, it “soon” became obvious that we would be adopting internationally, which had been our first inclination.  We then started the difficult task of choosing a country.  Next week, as I share more about our adoption journey, I will share more on how we came to choose China.

Don't miss a thing! Follow the entire 30 Days, 30 Posts: Adoption series.

Day 1: 30 Days, 30 Posts: Adoption

Day 2: 30 Days, 30 Posts: Adoption  Friday's Family

Day 3: 30 Days, 30 Posts: Adoption..."Say it Well"

30 Days, 30 Posts: Adoption...Say it Well

“Sticks and stones”...we know that words can be used to build people up or tear them down.  And sometimes we have a negative impact without even knowing it.  This is true in the adoption world, too.  I have made mistakes with my friends and their families, and I know I’ll goof again in the future. 

The list may appear to be very "politically correct" and unnecessary.  But, it really boils down to respect, respect for the process and respect for the family.  

As the adoption world changes, the terms will probably change with it.  For now, here is a short list to get started:

Constructive Adoption Language

Positive Language Negative Language

Birthparent Real parent

Biological parent Natural parent

Birth child Own child

My child         Adopted child; Own child

Born to unmarried parents Illegitimate

Terminate parental rights Give up

Make an adoption plan Give away

To parent To keep

Waiting child Adoptable child; available child

Biological or birthfather Real father

Making contact with Reunion

Parent Adoptive parent

Intercountry adoption Foreign adoption

Adoption triad Adoption triangle

Permission to sign a release Disclosure

Search Track down parents

Child placed for adoption An unwanted child

Court termination Child taken away

Child with special needs Handicapped child

Child from abroad Foreign child

Was adopted Is adopted

Originally printed in Adoptive Families September/October/November 1997 issue and available online.

I also encourage people to be aware of asking questions or making comments in front a child.  It's not that adoption is negative or a secret, but consider if the right time to talk about it is while standing in the grocery check-out line.

I am fortunate to have been surrounded by adoptive families both in the US and now in China.  When I am with my friends I will hear well-intentioned people say, "Oh he/she (referring to the child was adopted) is so lucky."  I know what the person is trying to communicate, but is it really "luck" that brought this family together.  It implies that the child is indebted to his or her parents.  That is a big burden for a child to carry.  (Many years ago I said this to a family after their child was born with a special need...oops.)

And finally, I think an expat friend said it best when she described caring for a local child after a surgery (the child was no longer with her birthparents).  The doctors kept saying the baby was lucky.  My friend said she wasn't sure that luck was involved.  When a child cannot be cared for by their birth parents, whether it is due to death of the parents, AIDS, war, a natural disaster, governmental policies on the number of children, no access to medical care, lack of resources or stability to care for a child, or poverty, it is tragic, not luck.  In a perfect world, children would be able to remain with their birthparents.  So, in the future my answer will be, "No, it is an honor and a privilege to care for my child. It is a blessing."

Don't miss a thing! Follow the entire 30 Days, 30 Posts: Adoption series.

Day 1: 30 Days, 30 Posts: Adoption
Day 2: 30 Days, 30 Posts: Adoption  Friday's Family

30 Days, 30 Posts: Adoption, Friday's Family

Welcome back!  If you did not get a chance to read yesterday's post, you can find it here.  I have challenged myself to write on the topic of adoption for 30 days during November, which also happens to be National Adoption Month.

I enjoy reading and learning about other people's adoption journeys and so I decided you might too.  Each Friday I am going to try and introduce you to another family that has adoption as part of their family's story.

Today I introduce you to the Wilcox family!  Like our family, the Wilcoxes live in Suzhou, China and they have decided to adopt from China.  Our paths first crossed at our local Fellowship, but they continue to cross now with Girl Scouts, a shared interest in quirky German board games, lunches at a favorite local Mexican restaurant, and an apparent affinity for socks from Target that Sarah (the mom of the family) and I both share.

Sarah blogs about their family's experiences in China, homeschooling, and adoption on their family's blog: Wilcoxen Fam

You can skip straight ahead to the adoption section by clicking here.

Thanks for joining me today and tomorrow I will delve more into Learning the Lingo.  See you then!

30 Days, 30 Posts: Adoption

I had my first post for my 30 Day Journey: Adoption all ready go.  It had been edited by my wonderful sister-in-law and I had even dropped in a few statistics (such as,30% of Americans have considered adopting but as of 2002, only 2% have done so, and UNICEF estimates the number of orphans at 210 million in the world today).  But, I’m going rogue and instead I’m going to write a bit more from the heart.

Adoption can be wonderful, full of blessings and a really wonderful thing.  But, it can also be messy, scary, costly, emotionally draining, it strains friendships and family ties and the craziest thing of all is:

...suddenly you are walking around with your deepest desires, feelings and beliefs      
     regarding how you are going to build this, family, all out in the open.  Your heart is on    
     your sleeve, so to speak, for everyone to witness, judge or comment about.  Some days I   
     could talk your ear off about adoption and other days I really want to look the person in 
     the eye and “it’s none of your business.”  (It's not nice I know, but just how I feel.)

When Jamie and I decided to to start our family, which resulted our lovely daughter LBean, we did not have to get a police clearance, a financial statement, a letter of employment, finger-printed, interviewed by a social worker, reference letters and no one knew that we were trying to start our family.  It was private.  That special time, where it is just a secret between Jamie and I, is not present in this journey, but it doesn’t make it any less real or special.  I also appreciate that while I bemoan about the lack privacy, I am also writing about it on a blog!  Irony is dually noted.

As I share with you what I have learned about adoption and what makes a family, please remember that:

If you are married, you have no genetic tie to your spouse

If you have known the love of a step-parent or step-siblings, there is no DNA that made      

            it possible

If you enjoy doting on your spouse’s nieces and nephew, like I do, it is not because you 

           are compelled by forces of nature to do so

It is not DNA that makes a family, it is love and a strong commitment to make this crazy plan work.

November is “Adoption Awareness Month”.  Because this is something very close to our family’s heart, but not something that I have blogged about much, I am taking the whole month to share with you what our family has learned along the way.  

I feel that I have only begun to understand a small piece of the adoption community, and there are many different perspectives, but I invite you to join me as we “change, grow, and find adventure” in this part of our family’s journey.  The welcome mat is out, the green tea is hot and I’m ready to talk!

This week I am focusing on Learning the Lingo, and next week I’ll share more about our family’s adoption journey.  Each Friday I am going to try and highlight a family that is also on their own adoption journey.  Tomorrow I will introduce you to the first “Friday’s Family”. See you then!

My statistics were taken from http://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/s_seek.pdf and http://www.orphanhopeintl.org/facts-statistics/

And, to see where I got the crazy idea to write every day for a month...click here!

What's That? Wednesday: Acupuncture and TCM

The circles are from the cupping.

Jamie recently had his first TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine) experience.  I threatened him with the prospect of writing a guest blog post, but we compromised and I interviewed him instead!

What made you seek out acupuncture (a form of TCM)?

I had a very sore back and neck for over two weeks and if I had been in the US, I would have gone to a chiropractor.

Before you went, what your expectations?

I didn’t know if it would be like a spa, a small room, or a big room full of people.  Because it was a Sunday and the doctor’s day off, I did know that I would be the only patient there.  And, I was grateful the doctor came in on his day off to treat me!  I was expecting needles and maybe cycle through some movements.  Instead, I showed the doctor where the pain was and he used his thumb, like a needle, to dig into the sore spots.

Tell me about the facility.

It was like a medical clinic.  There was a seating area, a check-in room and I took the elevator to the second floor to the TCM room.  The therapy room was an older, white room with windows that opened up to the busy street below.  There were mats or beds, almost like massage tables, lined up.  On the wall there were really cool, old acupuncture anatomical charts.  The desk had equipment lined up on it.

What kind of treatment did you receive?

The doctor and our friend that had arranged the treatment, had already talked about what pain I had been experiencing.  I took my shirt off and pointed to the spot.  The doctor draped a sheet over me and poked around until he found the spots where it hurt.  He mapped out the points along my neck, shoulder, and hand.  The doctor then put pressure along those points, let go, and tapped in a needle and then twisted.  He put 5 or 6 in my back and a couple in my arm.  The doctor, who only spoke Chinese, wanted to talk to my friend who had arranged the treatment, to see if I was okay with the needles being hooked up to electrodes.  Because I was lying on my side with needles sticking out of me, my driver laid the cell phone on my ear so I could talk to my friend.  I told the doctor it was okay, so he hooked up electrodes to the needles and turned up the current until it was really uncomfortable and ran the current for about 25-30 minutes.

I have visions of the experiments we did in high school with the frog legs and an electrical current! What did the current feel like and did it hurt?  

It forced my muscle to excite and then eventually it was exhausted and relaxed.  It hurt to a certain degree; it was uncomfortable.  (Interviewer’s note: at this point Jamie flicked my arm to make his point...thanks so much honey!)

Was there blood?

Yes, when the needles were pulled out and the doctor used alcohol swabs to clean them.

Did you receive any other treatment?

The doctor also took bamboo cups, held them over a flame to heat them up, and then covered the areas that had had the needles.  He left those on for 20-25 minutes.

Was it immediate relief?

Yes, it was.  I wasn’t as tense and knotted up.  About a week after the last treatment I felt considerably better.

Were you sore afterwards?

Yes, like a good workout.

How many times did you go?

Four times for the whole treatment.

Did anything shock or surprise you?

The doctor smoked during the treatment!

Would you recommend TCM?  

Yes, I would recommend this specific doctor or the recommendation from a reputable source.

What was the cost for all 4 treatments?

200 RMB (about $32 USD)

What were the doctor’s follow-up instructions?

None.

Thanks to Jamie for being a good sport and letting me interview him on the high speed train to Beijing when he would have rather been doing something else!

How to Spot a China Day and other Useful Information

Most of my blog posts tend to be on the informational side, as in “we saw this, ate here, went there.”  But, this post is pure emotion.  As I’ve mentioned before in some of my previous posts, we learned in our cultural training that living overseas brings “higher highs and lower lows”.  Sometimes those lows include a “China Day.”

Everyone’s definition of a China Day is different.  Mine can include one or more of the following:

Tears (my personal favorite and spiritual gift)

Frustration with the language/local customs/performing day-to-day tasks

Homesickness or loneliness

Lack of patience when an easy task suddenly turns into a major ordeal

Experiencing changes, new people moving in and old friends repatriating to their home countries

Lack of sleep, it just makes everything a little more dramatic

China has a lot of people...waiting to go to
the top of the Pearl Tower in Shanghai.

Most of my China Days seem to sneak up on me.  For example, I was trying to book our hotel for Hong Kong Disney last fall and couldn’t get our credit card to work.  Disney is supposed to be one of the happiest places on earth and the poor woman at the hotel thought I was having an emotional breakdown on the phone (oh wait, I really was) because they couldn’t take my credit card and blamed it on the credit card company and vice-versa.  Or, the time I was walking through the Japanese supermarket alone before Christmas and heard Christmas carols and just about lost it by the Nutella aisle.

We did make it to Disney!

That said, I have not cried about China in a very long time, but I think I feel one on the horizon.  How do I know?  

I have been a little teary-eyed (but no full-on bawling…yet).

I have not been back to mainland US in about 10 months (enough said).

I really, really want to see my grandparents (sometimes Skype just doesn’t cut it).

Friends have moved, are getting ready to move or new friends have arrived and it just means lots and lots of changes.

I don’t know if we’ll be able to go home at Christmas as a family.

I suddenly have an urge to run, a lot.  I got on the treadmill yesterday and my personal best after starting to run again 3 weeks ago was 2 twelve-minute runs.  I just went full-on and ran 21 minutes straight and could have kept on going.I also may or may not have a strong desire to raid my secret stash of dark chocolate.

It's always good to have a secret stash!  Click here to
read about the start of my chocolate stash.

What has kept me from coming totally unglued is my foundational beliefs which are built on solid ground and not shifting sand (catch my drift?).  I also completely understand that even if we were in the US, I would have crummy days.  Life would catch up with me and there would be days where I would feel stressed, tired, emotional, and changes would continue to happen all around me.

My friends back home have asked if it possible for them to have a China Day, too.  The answer is yes! Claim it, own it, and move on.

P.S. I wrote this post about 2 1/2 weeks ago and to cure the impending China Day, I got to go back to the US!  More about that visit to come in a future post.

Another Shopping Adventure, the Wuxi Flea Market

The words “flea market,” in my mind, conjure up images of roadside tables or open-air markets where people sell their knick-knacks, rare finds, and cast-offs.  In China though,  flea markets are taken to a whole new level.

I'm not sure exactly what is on Floor 2, but I'm sure that
"Small articles of daily" and "Horological glasses" are
what I have been missing from my China journey.

A walkway between the huge buildings.

Now I know where to find the
largest stockpile of reusable bags.

Try to imagine a mall, dollar store and a few buildings that look like they belong at the state fair, and I think you have a pretty good idea what the Wuxi flea market looks like.  There are 4 or 5 massive buildings with several floors housing any and everything you might or might not need   Clothes, luggage, pottery and ceramics, cleaning supplies, pantyhose, artificial flowers, jewelry, hair accessories, clocks and electronics and many other things. It is one of the most overwhelming places I have ever been.

Pottery shop

So pretty!

Looking down one of the long, long hallways.

Just a few pots and pans to choose from.

Office supplies

Artificial flowers

A few Chinese essentials: wedding envelopes,
door hangers, and all things red.

Although the goods are grouped together (and there are signs in both English and Chinese), I really have no idea how people figure out where to shop for things.  Thankfully, a few of the women I went with had been there before!

Anyone catch what these signs say?

We were all looking for different things, one mother wanted jewelry, nail polish and trinkets for her daughter’s birthday party goodie bags.  Another mom wanted stickers and supplies for her daughter’s Girl Scout troop.  Another woman in our group was looking for Chinese ceramics, and I needed a wig (for my sister-in-law’s Halloween costume) and an iPad cover. 

A whole wing of this building was devoted to wigs.

After a few hours of looking, searching, and discovering, we left feeling pretty proud of ourselves. To reward ourselves, we even picked up a few extra items we didn’t know we needed!