30 Days, 30 Posts: Adoption...Domestic vs International Adoption

We are continuing to "Learn the Lingo" this week.

Domestic Adoption: Placing of a child within the same country as the child’s birth. This may be achieved through a private agency or the state, such as foster care.

International/Intercountry adoption: a type of adoption in which an individual or couple becomes the legal and permanent parents of a child that is a national of a different country. In general, prospective adoptive parents must meet the legal adoption requirements of their country of residence and those of the country whose nationality the child holds.

Adoption, if anything, presents lots of questions.  Should we adopt an infant from our country?  Do we consider foster care?  Do we adopt internationally and, if so, which country do we choose?  The answers are different for every family and their particular circumstances.    

There is no check-list or worksheet that makes the answers obvious.  It takes time working through each scenario. It takes time seriously discussing the details of the scenarios. Though by taking the time, many of the answers you’re searching for should become clearer. Consequently, you’re then able to rule out some and include others.

and really talking about the details that will hopefully make some of the answers more clear and rule out other choices.  

Because we were facing a potential overseas move with my husband’s job (which turned into a reality in July 2011), we had some very unique circumstances of our own. We had to find a program that would work for our family, even if we moved abroad.

I made a few calls about adopting an infant domestically.  One agency was very kind, but blunt, and said that because we already had two biological children, most birthparents would not consider our family.  Why? It’s because most of the birthparents want to give the gift of family to those who do not already have children.  

We also talked to our social worker (the person who performs our homestudy...more next week on that) about foster care.  For us, two factors ruled out this option for us.  My husband and I had decided to try and maintain birth order with our children, meaning that we would adopt a child younger than our two daughters.  At the time we started our paperwork, our youngest was about 15 months, which meant the foster child would have to be under 15 months -- not a very big window.  We also did not want to disrupt a child’s life further if we were suddenly called overseas and had not finalized the adoption. (I believe that it is possible to adopt from foster care while living overseas, but we not comfortable with moving during the process). 

We have friends who have done all of the above: infant adoption, foster care, international adoption. The beautiful thing to me is that their choice was so perfect for their family.  

As far as my family goes, it “soon” became obvious that we would be adopting internationally, which had been our first inclination.  We then started the difficult task of choosing a country.  Next week, as I share more about our adoption journey, I will share more on how we came to choose China.

Don't miss a thing! Follow the entire 30 Days, 30 Posts: Adoption series.

Day 1: 30 Days, 30 Posts: Adoption

Day 2: 30 Days, 30 Posts: Adoption  Friday's Family

Day 3: 30 Days, 30 Posts: Adoption..."Say it Well"

30 Days, 30 Posts: Adoption...Say it Well

“Sticks and stones”...we know that words can be used to build people up or tear them down.  And sometimes we have a negative impact without even knowing it.  This is true in the adoption world, too.  I have made mistakes with my friends and their families, and I know I’ll goof again in the future. 

The list may appear to be very "politically correct" and unnecessary.  But, it really boils down to respect, respect for the process and respect for the family.  

As the adoption world changes, the terms will probably change with it.  For now, here is a short list to get started:

Constructive Adoption Language

Positive Language Negative Language

Birthparent Real parent

Biological parent Natural parent

Birth child Own child

My child         Adopted child; Own child

Born to unmarried parents Illegitimate

Terminate parental rights Give up

Make an adoption plan Give away

To parent To keep

Waiting child Adoptable child; available child

Biological or birthfather Real father

Making contact with Reunion

Parent Adoptive parent

Intercountry adoption Foreign adoption

Adoption triad Adoption triangle

Permission to sign a release Disclosure

Search Track down parents

Child placed for adoption An unwanted child

Court termination Child taken away

Child with special needs Handicapped child

Child from abroad Foreign child

Was adopted Is adopted

Originally printed in Adoptive Families September/October/November 1997 issue and available online.

I also encourage people to be aware of asking questions or making comments in front a child.  It's not that adoption is negative or a secret, but consider if the right time to talk about it is while standing in the grocery check-out line.

I am fortunate to have been surrounded by adoptive families both in the US and now in China.  When I am with my friends I will hear well-intentioned people say, "Oh he/she (referring to the child was adopted) is so lucky."  I know what the person is trying to communicate, but is it really "luck" that brought this family together.  It implies that the child is indebted to his or her parents.  That is a big burden for a child to carry.  (Many years ago I said this to a family after their child was born with a special need...oops.)

And finally, I think an expat friend said it best when she described caring for a local child after a surgery (the child was no longer with her birthparents).  The doctors kept saying the baby was lucky.  My friend said she wasn't sure that luck was involved.  When a child cannot be cared for by their birth parents, whether it is due to death of the parents, AIDS, war, a natural disaster, governmental policies on the number of children, no access to medical care, lack of resources or stability to care for a child, or poverty, it is tragic, not luck.  In a perfect world, children would be able to remain with their birthparents.  So, in the future my answer will be, "No, it is an honor and a privilege to care for my child. It is a blessing."

Don't miss a thing! Follow the entire 30 Days, 30 Posts: Adoption series.

Day 1: 30 Days, 30 Posts: Adoption
Day 2: 30 Days, 30 Posts: Adoption  Friday's Family